Category Archives: Past

Embracing Change with a Joyful Heart

06 Wednesday Sep 2017

Posted by in Catholic Parenting, Change, Infertility, Marriage, Motherhood, Past, Peace, Personal Challenges, Personal health, Perspective, Seasons, The Husband, Tough days

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“Shout out to everyone transcending
a mindset, mentality, desire, belief,
emotion, habit, behavior or vibration,
that no longer serves them.”
― Lalah Delia

 

Transitions mean change that we are often leery of embracing.  Though, to continue through this lifetime, evolutionary movement is inevitable. In order to truly live our lives to the fullest, we must embrace the modifications before us, and all the meaning interwoven in the possibilities that change brings. We must challenge ourselves to seek joy, even on the unlit pathways strewn before us.

For the past fourteen years, The Husband and I have been focused on growing our family. With the onset of aging, and my reproductive abilities most likely behind us, we must transition to this new phase of settling in with the beautiful family we’ve built, and closing the door to adding any additional members to our team. The signs have been there for some time now, and we are learning to accept and move forward with great purpose, dousing the flame of “trying again,” laying all that we were striving for to rest. Always open to life, we would never say, “No” if the miracle of conception occurred once more, though, we believe that the likelihood of pregnancy happening again is slim-to-none.

Together, we move forward in what awaits us, graced to raise and cherish those lives we’ve been entrusted to care for, and joyful for the opportunity to dote on all new beings in our family circle, such as the recent birth of our great-nephew.  Change feels good, welcomed and peaceful, even. To not feel so raced against an hourglass of rushed pursuit every month and year that passes? Grateful rest. Having the sensations of feeling complete and whole as we are? Appreciative contentment. To hold and cherish a deeper respect for myself, my abilities, and the gifts I embody as a woman, wife, and mother? Self-aware confidence. To fathom that our dream was achieved and acknowledging The Husband and I conquered a great feat and won? Triumphant joy.

Some unchartered territory beckons before me that may not be paved in effervescent gold; certainly not. Although the newfound direction may surprise my wildest visions, I absolutely anticipate encountering loose gravel, hilly terrain, and perhaps a boulder or two to either push against with all my might, or climb atop—triumphantly, mightily, and with a strength found only from deep within me, built from all these years ascending mountainous trials I never expected to encounter. The scars and losses that sketch the landscape of my being are pure and organic; a heartbreaking fissure in my forever self. Despite the crosses I’ve been asked to carry, I still delight in the beauty that has emerged–more natural and miraculous than I could have ever envisioned. Life has deepened in meaning and purpose, and I will continue to seek out the joy in all that is left to live.

 

You are the light of the world

09 Wednesday Nov 2016

Posted by in 30 Days of Thanksgiving, Blessings, Change, Election 2016, Glorifying God, Intentional Living, Past, Peace, Personal Challenges, Perspective, Prayer, Prayers, Tough days

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Let there be peace on earth
And let it begin with me.
~Seymour Miller & Jill Jackson, “Let There Be Peace on Earth,” 1955

 

It is a policy of mine to be neutral on this little blog, keeping the stories more about how I overcome my personal struggles, my path to a more peaceful and simpler life, and how I seek out joy in little ways. However, I do want to share with you the words that I posted to my personal Facebook account this morning, since it was received with much positive response:

“No matter if you are feeling shocked and saddened, or overjoyed and triumphant about our president-elect, at the end of today, when the strength of our feelings have simmered down a bit, let us reflect on the fact that we are still Americans–free people so privileged and blessed to have all that we do living in this great nation of ours, especially in comparison to most of the world around us. Let’s not forget how we are called to love one another, despite the differences that divide us, and that our children are truly the future. Live your life with joy and integrity, help those less fortunate, be a light in the world, forgive each other, and offer peace and a smile as much as possible.”

 Maybe, the next four years look grim to you, with the bright horizon forever dimmed by the despair for where you think this country is headed. Try not to lose hope, reader friend. Maybe, the next four years looks bright and prosperous to you, defined by a positive change, and hope for what’s to come. My friend, please don’t lose focus of what is truly important. No doubt, America is headed in a new direction. And, we must brace ourselves for the unknown, and pray for a better tomorrow. At the end of the day, my hope is that most Americans still believe in all that holds true in “life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness,” and the inherent goodness found in each of us.

Let’s not forget that peace and change begins with our individual selves. We can choose the good and spread that light between us. If each one of us could do that— make a habit of spreading that kind of light and love throughout our homes and communities—just imagine how beautiful our country would look in the afterglow of peace.

How can you be a light to the world around you? In what ways do you seek out joy in times of despair? 

Steadfast Simplicity

08 Tuesday Nov 2016

Posted by in 30 Days of Thanks, 30 Days of Thanksgiving, Blessings, Change, Chasing Dreams, Forgiveness, Glorifying God, Inspiration, Intentional Living, New Year New You, New Year's Resolutions, Past, Peace, Perspective, Simple Living, Simplicity, Striving toward Minimalism

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The sculptor produces the beautiful statue by chipping away such parts of the marble block as are not needed — it is a process of elimination. ~Elbert Hubbard

Striving toward minimalism is finally letting go of everything, and looking forward in anticipation toward all that will be gained in choosing to live and embody a simpler lifestyle. And the choice to become a minimalist is as easy as declaring, “Today is the day!”  Stating, “Enough is enough!” Realizing, “All of this stuff is weighing me down and dragging my health and happiness along with it.” Then you begin. First, by grabbing a trash bag and choosing to conquer one room at a time, or even just the junk drawer for now.

Your life will never feel or look the same once you pledge to make the positive change once and for all. And that’s the beauty in simplified, minimalistic, conscious-living. No longer living this life of yours on auto-pilot, but discerning with purpose, and redefining success, wealth, happiness, and joy—on your own terms.

Gifting—not just giving—yourself the permission to live the life you’ve always dreamed of, answering that call to be your authentic self, being counter-cultural in so many facets, and essentially, finding your own groove will be just a handful of positive outcomes of choosing to simplify your life while you strive toward minimalism. There is freedom in stating a firm “no” to the world, and shouting a resounding, “yes!” to your heart. You’ll wonder why you didn’t start sooner!

I have learned there is joy in making sound, rightful choices that stem from a place of peacefulness. That you’ll breed contentment in making these calm, conscious choices without a senseless environment to distract you, or the mind-clutter and unfounded fear within you obstructing the view. Note, there is humility in taking less for yourself and sharing that excess with others. You will walk, talk, and feel lighter with each new step on this minimalism journey. Simplifying is a satisfying soul cleanser, to say the least.

Take pride in how you define living a simpler life. Own what striving toward minimalism signifies to you in your own way. Don’t lose hope of what you’re starting. Work diligently, but gently and deliberately in all acts of simplifying and de-cluttering. Remind yourself that it’s all about balance—finding what works best for your life and heart. Choose now to live without all those things holding you back so that you can live the life you were meant to enjoy.

Looking ahead toward a New Year, don’t despair if this year’s attempts to redefine your lifestyle look completely different from the steps you plan to make on the journey toward minimalism in 2017. That’s the beauty in the pursuit of simplicity. Go at your own pace and don’t rush the process. It’s all about being intentional, after all. You’ll find your purposeful groove, and one day you’ll realize you’re living a minimalist, simpler way without giving much thought to how you got there.

Live your life simply, let go, follow your calling, forgive trespasses, and be set free. Regard yourself less and think of others more. Live your life in peace so that the light of love shines from within and reaches out to others.  Make your path to minimalism your own, but not without sharing that steadfast joy with others, and being grateful for the chance you’ve been gifted to change for the better.

Will you be striving toward minimalism in 2017? What small acts of simplifying and de-cluttering have yielded great, positive changes in your life?

 

Lighting Hope with a Wave of Light Across the Globe

15 Saturday Oct 2016

Posted by in Memories, Miscarriage, Motherhood, National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Month, October 15th, Past, Peace, Perspective, Tough days, Wave of Light

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God puts rainbows in the clouds so that each of us – in the dreariest and most dreaded moments – can see a possibility of hope. ~Maya Angelou 

In loving memory of all our children gone too soon. They remain forever in our hearts. 


#waveoflight2016

On Miscarriage, Sharing your Grief, and your Right to Remember

03 Monday Oct 2016

Posted by in Love, Memories, Miscarriage, Motherhood, National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Month, Past, Peace, Personal Challenges

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Sweet little flower of heavenly birth, you were too fair to bloom on earth. ~ Author Unknown

 

Miscarriage is quite a unique type of death experience. It haunts your mind and heart in ways that are difficult to put aside. Not only are you losing a child and the dream of that little person, but you often never know what went wrong to cause the child’s life to end so soon. The grief process after a miscarriage can be a lonely, arduous time.

Although you might feel like hiding away, try to share the truth of your pain with those closest to you. Reach out and be honest, raw, and open about what it is like to lose a child so suddenly. What I have learned over the years is that no one truly understands what you are going through—especially the incredible strength miscarriage and baby loss asks and takes from you—unless the person has experienced the same type of trauma, themselves. You can still try, though. It is worthwhile to include your loved ones in your grieving process, if only to honor the life of the child you grieve for so desperately.

At first, the well-meaning friends and family you open up to might be uncomfortable with the level and intensity of your sadness as you grieve for the child you will never see, hold, nurse, nor raise. They may try to comfort you with what feels like unsympathetic comments such as:

“Maybe it wasn’t meant to be.” (Sorry, but this life I carried inside, actually did mean something to us. It was our child.)

“It wasn’t really a baby yet, anyway.” (As if a pregnancy test and a beating heart on a screen one day, but gone the next, can be denied.)

“Don’t worry, you’ll get pregnant again soon!” (As if they know this for certain—they don’t. And even if you do become pregnant soon after your loss, the next child will never replace the love and dream you had for the child that never lived.)

Feel free to tell your loved ones the truth—that you are grieving because you just lost a child. Explain that the heartache you feel is over all the hope and dreams you had, but have gone away. Gently inform that just because the baby hadn’t been born at an age when they had a fighting chance to live, his life still had meaning.

Invite your family and friends to join you on your grievous journey so they can reach a clearer understanding of miscarriage and baby loss. Allowing these loved ones to hold your hand along the way will open up their eyes and minds to the right and privilege that is yours alone to honor and cherish your miscarried babies in any compelling way, and how you’ll forever carry their memory imprinted on your heart.

 

How have your family and friends helped or hindered your ability to grieve a miscarriage? 

The Insurmountable Grief of Miscarriage, Stillbirth, and Infant Death

02 Sunday Oct 2016

Posted by in Infertility, Memories, Miscarriage, Motherhood, National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Month, October 15th, Past, Peace, Personal Challenges, Wave of Light

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“Some people say it is a shame. Others even imply that it would have been better if the baby had never been created. But the short time I had with my child is precious to me. It is painful to me, but I still wouldn’t wish it away. I prayed that God would bless us with a baby. Each child is a gift, and I am proud that we cooperated with God in the creation of a new soul for all eternity. Although not with me, my baby lives.”
― Christine O’Keeffe Lafser, An Empty Cradle, a Full Heart: Reflections for Mothers and Fathers after Miscarriage, Stillbirth, or Infant Death

 

In America during the month of October, advocacy campaigns support a list of worthy national causes, including those meant to raise awareness and support for the early detection of breast cancer, anti-bullying attempts, and domestic violence prevention. Though, a campaign in October that reaches the closest to my heart is the one that was deemed integral to supporting mothers and fathers devastated by pregnancy and baby loss.

In an effort to do my part to support those grieving the loss of a baby, as I have suffered six times before, I will be devoting my blog posts this month of October to spreading awareness and support. (Please feel free to read some of my blog posts and what I’ve shared in the past about my miscarriage experiences.) The blog posts I feel compelled to share this month will reflect on my personal story of miscarriage: how each of my baby losses have shaped, molded, and changed me; how The Husband and I have coped over the years with so many losses; how we have chosen to honor each of our angel babies; and what the grieving feels and looks like now.

My greatest hope for October is that you will join me in spreading awareness of pregnancy and baby loss, perhaps by lending your support to those suffering this insurmountable pain, and honoring all the children that gained their angels’ wings before their precious feet ever touched the ground. Thank you, gentle and kind readers.

Have you suffered a miscarriage or experienced the loss of a baby? What support do you wish you had during that time of loss and grief? Does sharing your story—through writing, creating art,  talking about the experience, or honoring your child(ren)in a special way—help at all?

A Song of Yourself

29 Thursday Sep 2016

Posted by in Change, Chasing Dreams, Intentional Living, Memories, Past, Peace, Personal Challenges, Personal health, Perspective, Simple Living

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I CELEBRATE myself, and sing myself,
And what I assume you shall assume,
For every atom belonging to me as good belongs to you.

I loafe and invite my soul,
I lean and loafe at my ease observing a spear of summer grass.

My tongue, every atom of my blood, form’d from this soil,
     this air,
Born here of parents born here from parents the same, and
     their parents the same,
I, now thirty-seven years old in perfect health begin,
Hoping to cease not till death.

~ excerpted from Walt Whitman’s “A Song of Myself”

 

Think back on a time when you were most confident in yourself. Brave, steady, self-assured. Maybe it was the you of your youth. Maybe you were the top of your class. Stand-out football player. Star cheerleader. The lead in every school play. Maybe it was the day you landed your first real job, or jingled the keys to your own place. Maybe it was the day you boarded a plane to a faraway destination to trek in a foreign land. Maybe it was when you discovered you were actually quite good at creating poetry and others often told you how talented you were, and that you should publish a little book.

What would it take for you to allow yourself to feel that type of courage and vitality once again?  To live and breathe for your true self? Do you miss some integral part of your identity from the past? Truly, have you ever felt happy and free? If yes, then take yourself back there. Relish in the delight of your childhood, your happy place, your favorite day. If you can honestly say that you’ve never had even one moment of pure happiness, nor felt free to be yourself, then today is the day to make that moment happen. No delay.

Remind yourself, what were you like as a child? What was it that could hold your attention for hours on end? Maybe you were a romantic star-gazer. Maybe you sought solace by hiding away from the rest of your family, cuddled under the safety of a warm blanket, comforted by the company of characters in a borrowed library book that you literally couldn’t stop thinking about. Maybe you kicked the soccer ball against the side of your childhood home to relieve some teenage angst, but found your feet were sort of lost without the black and white ball between them to maneuver into a game-winning goal. Maybe your life would be miserable without the cool, wet rain on your face as you clocked another ten-mile run on a back country road.

What would you do with your time if you had zero responsibilities to tackle today? What if you could gift yourself a day like that? One day of freedom to roam, play, and dream. How would you spend a day like that? Where would you go and what would you do? Go ahead, daydream a little. Now, seriously consider making this one day happen. All for you. It’s not selfish, it’s not. You deserve to feel this type of deeply held joy.

What if you could arrange to do that one thing you once enjoyed, but have lost along the way? Would you dare dream such a moment can be yours once again? What’s holding you back? Please, don’t allow fears to be the culprit. I’d imagine your loved ones would be more than willing to help. It matters to become reacquainted with a piece of your heart and identity that you’ve buried away to responsiblity, embarrassment, or feeling like there is no time or place for it in your adult life. My guess is, if you only asked a loved one for their guidance, suggestions, and help in planning your one, special day, that they’d be flattered and quite pleased to lead the charge.

Do yourself a favor: stop slighting you. Believe, instead. Conquer those fears, squelch that nay-saying voice, hush the negative opposition to your lifelong dreams, your hidden passions, your happiness, and rightful joy.

Go ahead. Dream again, and chase those passions once more. You only live once. (We all know this.) Give yourself permission to make it a good one. (I promise. You won’t be sorry.)

 

What dream are you chasing? In the past, how have you made your dreams a reality? Do you ever feel that fear, anxiety, responsibilities, a negative inner-voice, or other’s expectations hold you back from going after your true passions in life? How would you spend the gift of one day devoted to pursuing your definition of pure joy? 

 

The Simplified Closet

20 Tuesday Sep 2016

Posted by in Capsule Wardrobe, Change, Inspiration, Intentional Living, Past, Peace, Personal Challenges, Perspective, Simple Living, Simplicity, Striving toward Minimalism

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You’ll never find something to wear that makes you feel beautiful, smart, or loved if you don’t believe that you already are. ~ Courtney Carver, Project 333

 

After I had completely weaned Baby Girl from breastfeeding, I was in desperate need of new clothes. Non-nursing clothes, to be exact! Even though I still had about eight pounds of pregnancy weight lingering on my frame, I was so ready to box up and donate what I had been wearing for almost two years and enjoy the freedom of dressing however I wanted. Clothing without restriction! What a dream! If I was lucky enough, toddler food stains would stay off of these enviable postpartum, post-nursing duds, too. Was it too much to ask to seek and find the mecca for all moms who just want to get the heck out of their sweatpants and wear something equally comfortable and affordable, but stylish and on-trend?

For as long as I can remember, I’ve had a knack for finding steals and deals at shops like Marshall’s, TJ Maxx, and Clothes Mentor. Though, I could not find the energy to sift through the racks there and pull together stylish outfits for myself during that time. I wished for just one day to shop, to get all that I needed, and not have to think about it again. For once, I wanted someone else to listen to my style likes, wants, and needs and then actually find the clothes perfect for me in my size, favorite colors, budget, and do it all for me within a reasonable couple of hours while the kids were at school! Short of having a ladies’ maid and personal shopper at my disposal, I felt that I was an out-of-luck, tired mom in desperate need of help in the closet department.

I found what I was looking for, however. It wasn’t that difficult to find, actually. The lucky salesperson listened to my pleas and met all the wardrobe requirements I rattled off to her:

“I don’t want to have to think when I open my closet door.”

“I want items that mix and match for multiple outfit options.”

“It’s important for me to dress comfortably so that I can chase around after my children.”

“I’d like to update my style a bit, in washable, non-ironing, organic materials, if possible.”

“And, by the way, I’m more natural than fashionista, love writing, reading, hiking, all shades of green, and my favorite seasons are autumn and spring.”

Apparently, not only was I seeking a personal stylist, but female-adult-level conversation, to boot! No wonder I was so willing to hand over the bundle of cash, and walk out feeling like a better version of myself.

I walked around mall shops in a daze while seeking the answer to feeling better about myself in an entire closet make-over. After a whirlwind tour, I came home with multiple tissue paper-filled bags in each hand, having blown all of my budget in only one or two stores. And I felt… what? Nothing. That’s right, nothing different. Maybe even a little empty and disappointed in myself.

Yes, I was exhilarated having just experienced the rush of a shopper’s high. Yes, I had some nice outfits that would encourage me to dress a little better and present myself well in the public eye. Though, I didn’t feel transformed in any way. And to be quite honest, that’s what I was hoping for, to be magically transformed by a mere trip to the mall. It took me far too long to understand the fault in my thoughts and ways.

It would take the next four years for me to feel a true caterpillar-turned-butterfly moment had taken place inside of me. This magical transformation would have little to do with changing out the clothes hanging in my closet, and more to do with shedding the cloak I constantly hid behind that shielded my inner-truth and shadowed my self-worth. The woman I was years ago, that person whose desperate-to-dress-better profile was alarmingly self-important, is a vague memory.

In reality, it has been only four years since I took the steps toward living my truth and simplifying all aspects of my life. I have researched and read about living simply, sharing wealth, minimizing lifestyle, simplifying and de-cluttering, and learning to live with intention and contentedness.

Many like-minded people have begun, first, with their closets by ridding the clutter they face in the morning. They started by reducing what it takes to get dressed. I have followed suit. My first minimizing task was to take hold of my excess in clothing choices by keeping only the articles I enjoyed wearing and those I chose to wear time and again. Seems simple enough.

My appreciation for lovely clothes hasn’t gone away, and I doubt it ever will, even with taking a streamlined approach to dressing myself. I’ve learned to have fun shopping my favorite discounters once more, though I visit only when the need arises, not the want stemming from boredom, anxiety, or self-doubt. I take delight in having a clean, relatively clutter-free closet representing my version of a capsule wardrobe , and intentionally cultivated with fabrics and colors that make me feel…well, simply me. Quite beautiful, in fact.

If you are interested in minimizing your closet and clothing lot, are wondering more about capsule wardrobes, and would like to read other writers’ perspectives on how they maintain a simplified closet, I recommend reading Unfancy and Be More with Less.

How do you manage the clothing clutter in your household? Do you have a capsule wardrobe for yourself or your children? What, if anything, would you change about your style?

 

 

The Why? before the How? Why I’m “Striving toward Minimalism”

16 Friday Sep 2016

Posted by in Change, Intentional Living, Past, Peace, Personal Challenges, Perspective, Simplicity, Striving toward Minimalism

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“Frugality is one of the most beautiful and joyful words in the English language, and yet one that we are culturally cut off from understanding and enjoying. The consumption society has made us feel that happiness lies in having things, and has failed to teach us the happiness of not having things.” ~Elise Boulding

Embarking on this journey of self-imposed minimalism was not a path chosen on a whim, by accident, or for no good reason other than I was seeking something worthwhile to occupy my days. Rather, striving toward minimalism has been quite a lifelong internal pursuit of mine. Finally, I have reconciled my true desires—those of living more simply and intentionally by drastically reducing, de-cluttering, and minimizing all my worldly possessions—with the myriad of outward mistakes and demoralizing failures I chose to make by listening to the world’s voice—subtle, yet persistent—constantly calling out to me, “Consume! Spend! Add! Acquire!” Instead of heeding to my own truth, that inner-dialogue and guiding compass reaffirming that I was content and beyond rich with all that I had and have ever had, I gave in to the norm for far too long.

Embarrassing as it is to admit my weaknesses—such as my propensity for over-consumption, my increased discontent even with all I owned and could buy, shopping too much and for pitiful reasons, and especially allowing my self-worth to be measured and determined by the type of things cluttering every shelf, closet, and corner of my home—I find it is worthwhile and important to expose my flaws here because it represents the pinnacle and point of realizing that I was stuck in old, demoralizing, woeful habits. And it is precisely where my journey to a better life begins.

Changing oneself for the better is a terrifying, yet exhilarating experience. After all, someone once said, “If nothing ever changed, there’d be no butterflies.” I couldn’t agree more.

What changes have you made that improved your life for the better? What has been your most compelling heart’s desire that you’re still afraid to pursue? 

Joy: It’s Your Choice

08 Thursday Sep 2016

Posted by in Change, Glorifying God, Journaling, Past, Peace, Personal Challenges, Perspective, Prayer, Tough days, Writing, Writing Goals, Writing routine

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“When you do things from your soul, you feel a river moving in you, a joy.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

This blog post has been a long time coming–a year in the making, actually. The time away has been spent on rest and rejuvenation, intense personal renewal and reflection, an invaluable year spent refining myself in a chaotic storm center of trial that has taught me lessons about slowing down, pacing myself, letting go, breathing deeper, choosing happy, loving stronger, praying more fervently, infusing simplicity, being still, and living day by day–going no farther than the moment ahead. This incredible change inside of me, I feel, has been powerfully positive. God is working through me in this crisis at hand and I feel compelled to not resist His timeline. I know that the struggles and challenges being placed before me are not for nothing, and that I am being sanctified in the process.  There is so much to say about letting go of control and placing the internal care and future success of your loved ones, and of yourself, directly in the hands of God.

As I’ve learned to live a new normal and continue on with an intentional pace, I’ve continued to read voraciously and write almost daily. Although, I’ve not made much time for writing on the computer, hence the hiatus from creating blog posts here, I have, instead, handwritten my way through the year by filling two fully lined notebooks that I use as journals. Two weeks ago, I broke open the spine of the third. This daily practice I’m adhering to is therapeutic, melodic, and life-altering. Truly, I believe writing, or any creative endeavor, is a healer.

My plans for the coming year include writing–both inside my journal and online–and pursuing lifelong dreams. Some of the journey, I will chronicle here. Though, what I want to explore through writing in the coming months involves living well–gently, creatively, and intentionally–despite life’s challenges and struggles. This I know for certain, we can be met with the worst kind of heart-wrenching loss, yet still come out of the abyss fully alive, even choosing joy in the process.

Won’t you join me?