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Taking a Sad Song, Making it Better

~ Discovering joy amid pain

Taking a Sad Song, Making it Better

Tag Archives: Grief

On Grief and Gratitude

04 Sunday Nov 2018

Posted by purdywords in 30 Days of Thanks, 30 Days of Thanksgiving, Change, Family life, Miscarriage, Motherhood, National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Month, October 15th, Past, Peace, Personal Challenges, Perspective, Seasons, Suffering, Thankfulness, Tough days, Truth of Heart

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#30DaysofThanks, #begrateful, #scatterjoy, 30 Days of Thanks 2018, Challenges, Gratefulness, Gratitude, Grief, Life lessons, Memories, Miscarriage, Motherhood, National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Month, November, October 15th, Paying It Forward, Peace, Simple Joys, Writing

“Ye have lost a child—nay, she is not lost to you, who is found to Christ; she is not sent away, but only sent before; like unto a star, which going out of our sight, doth not die and vanish, but shineth in another hemisphere.” ~ Samuel Rutherford

 

This October, as in years past, I honored the short lives of the children I miscarried. In appreciation for those that traveled with me (and my family) through the compounded grief of losing six children, I’ve been seeking ways to give back and offer personal help to other mothers wrought with the raw pain of losing a child they’ll never hold.

Having moved well past my acute pain and piercing suffering, I finally feel free enough to turn my grief experience into service and action. My writing has been a solace to others, and I’ve personally aided friends through their own child loss journeys over the years. Though, this fall I have felt the call to do something more for the cause.

Locally, there is an organization that exists for this very reason—to shepherd families going through the unthinkable sorrow of losing a child—and I’ve had personal experience with the compassion, care, and services this important ministry offers. Reaching out, I started by writing a guest blog post last month, and hope to do so much more for them and the community of families whose hearts and lives have been forever altered by the loss of a child.

{You can read my guest post on their blog, here.}

 

Now that November is upon us, I have turned my focus toward gratitude, seeking out pleasure in the simple joys, and giving thanks for all the things I too often take for granted. Over the years, this practice in listing my blessings for the thirty days in November has refined my mind and heart—especially when the threads of my inner-being have threatened to unravel into disrepair. My struggles are incomprehensible at times, but I refuse to be broken and ungrateful.

No matter your circumstances, dear reader, I hope you will find the will in your heart to join me in pausing, savoring the good, and giving praise and thanksgiving for any fleck of beauty, moment of grace, and glimmer of hope you find in your world today, and the whole month through. Today, I am grateful to you for taking the time to read what I have written.

 

“Wear gratitude like a cloak and it will feed every corner of your life.” ~ Rumi

 

 

On Miscarriage, Sharing your Grief, and your Right to Remember

03 Monday Oct 2016

Posted by purdywords in Love, Memories, Miscarriage, Motherhood, National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Month, Past, Peace, Personal Challenges

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Challenges, Grief, Grieving, Love, Memories, Miscarriage, National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Month, Peace, Personal growth, Perspective

Sweet little flower of heavenly birth, you were too fair to bloom on earth. ~ Author Unknown

 

Miscarriage is quite a unique type of death experience. It haunts your mind and heart in ways that are difficult to put aside. Not only are you losing a child and the dream of that little person, but you often never know what went wrong to cause the child’s life to end so soon. The grief process after a miscarriage can be a lonely, arduous time.

Although you might feel like hiding away, try to share the truth of your pain with those closest to you. Reach out and be honest, raw, and open about what it is like to lose a child so suddenly. What I have learned over the years is that no one truly understands what you are going through—especially the incredible strength miscarriage and baby loss asks and takes from you—unless the person has experienced the same type of trauma, themselves. You can still try, though. It is worthwhile to include your loved ones in your grieving process, if only to honor the life of the child you grieve for so desperately.

At first, the well-meaning friends and family you open up to might be uncomfortable with the level and intensity of your sadness as you grieve for the child you will never see, hold, nurse, nor raise. They may try to comfort you with what feels like unsympathetic comments such as:

“Maybe it wasn’t meant to be.” (Sorry, but this life I carried inside, actually did mean something to us. It was our child.)

“It wasn’t really a baby yet, anyway.” (As if a pregnancy test and a beating heart on a screen one day, but gone the next, can be denied.)

“Don’t worry, you’ll get pregnant again soon!” (As if they know this for certain—they don’t. And even if you do become pregnant soon after your loss, the next child will never replace the love and dream you had for the child that never lived.)

Feel free to tell your loved ones the truth—that you are grieving because you just lost a child. Explain that the heartache you feel is over all the hope and dreams you had, but have gone away. Gently inform that just because the baby hadn’t been born at an age when they had a fighting chance to live, his life still had meaning.

Invite your family and friends to join you on your grievous journey so they can reach a clearer understanding of miscarriage and baby loss. Allowing these loved ones to hold your hand along the way will open up their eyes and minds to the right and privilege that is yours alone to honor and cherish your miscarried babies in any compelling way, and how you’ll forever carry their memory imprinted on your heart.

 

How have your family and friends helped or hindered your ability to grieve a miscarriage? 

The Insurmountable Grief of Miscarriage, Stillbirth, and Infant Death

02 Sunday Oct 2016

Posted by purdywords in Infertility, Memories, Miscarriage, Motherhood, National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Month, October 15th, Past, Peace, Personal Challenges, Wave of Light

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Baby Loss, Challenges, Grief, Healing, Love, Marriage, Memories, Miscarriage, National Infant and Baby Loss Memorial, Parenting, Peace, Perspective, The Past, Writing

“Some people say it is a shame. Others even imply that it would have been better if the baby had never been created. But the short time I had with my child is precious to me. It is painful to me, but I still wouldn’t wish it away. I prayed that God would bless us with a baby. Each child is a gift, and I am proud that we cooperated with God in the creation of a new soul for all eternity. Although not with me, my baby lives.”
― Christine O’Keeffe Lafser, An Empty Cradle, a Full Heart: Reflections for Mothers and Fathers after Miscarriage, Stillbirth, or Infant Death

 

In America during the month of October, advocacy campaigns support a list of worthy national causes, including those meant to raise awareness and support for the early detection of breast cancer, anti-bullying attempts, and domestic violence prevention. Though, a campaign in October that reaches the closest to my heart is the one that was deemed integral to supporting mothers and fathers devastated by pregnancy and baby loss.

In an effort to do my part to support those grieving the loss of a baby, as I have suffered six times before, I will be devoting my blog posts this month of October to spreading awareness and support. (Please feel free to read some of my blog posts and what I’ve shared in the past about my miscarriage experiences.) The blog posts I feel compelled to share this month will reflect on my personal story of miscarriage: how each of my baby losses have shaped, molded, and changed me; how The Husband and I have coped over the years with so many losses; how we have chosen to honor each of our angel babies; and what the grieving feels and looks like now.

My greatest hope for October is that you will join me in spreading awareness of pregnancy and baby loss, perhaps by lending your support to those suffering this insurmountable pain, and honoring all the children that gained their angels’ wings before their precious feet ever touched the ground. Thank you, gentle and kind readers.

Have you suffered a miscarriage or experienced the loss of a baby? What support do you wish you had during that time of loss and grief? Does sharing your story—through writing, creating art,  talking about the experience, or honoring your child(ren)in a special way—help at all?

  • purdywords
    • 30 Days of Thanks, November 2020
    • How to Give Without Giving Yourself Away
    • Raising Awareness About Miscarriage & Pregnancy Loss

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